Why is it so difficult to be seen as more than a physical presence? I am waiting patiently for a man who will look at me past my looks. My body. My physical traits. Because at the end of the day, I am so much more than that.

I just wish other people could see that.

It's amazing how much I realize that he either never knew me, never loved me or both.

Now, I hate seeing him not because I still have feelings for him. I do but the wound is covered even if only temporarily.  Now, I hate seeing him because I really want to hit him. How can a person so smart be so fucking stupid. And what makes it worse, he thinks I'm stupid as well.

I am trying not to take offense to the many happenings around me. I try to stay away from it but it brings me in like a drug.

Then I wonder if his friends and family were ever curious about *my* side of the story.  Of course not. Friends would rather side with you than see their friend for who they really are...someone who is not real with them, who feeds them bullshit for sympathy and who uses said sympathy for attention.  Which I find extremely odd, since that was what I was accused of time and time again. I wonder if he EVER told them that I did change when he "attempted" to give me a second chance. He just didnt want me anymore and decided to string me along until he had the balls to walk away. And when he finally did walk away, he was cowardly with it. He couldnt even tell me why.  I wonder if he tells his friends these things. Or if I'm just the bitch that cheated on him.

Every time I get better, I end up right where I started. I seriously have no idea how or even when I will get past this.

Too often we forget that we aren't perfect. I hope to, one day, not be judged by the mistakes I've made but instead the person I am now and growing to be.

Heart Heavy and Sick

I thought it was due to this insanely stressful week at work. Apparently that mini "talk" yesterday has been keeping me on edge. My stomach is in a huge knot.

I need a vacation. Hopefully this women's retreat I'm going on will come quickly and provide me with that much needed getaway. Six more months.

I'm not over him. I may not cry when I see him and can actually talk to him now but I can't stop loving him. I wish I could. I want to love someone who loves me as well. This here...this is torture.

After all the crap we have been through you would think it would be easier. And I want to date. Meet someone. Only because I need a distraction. That's all a rebound is. Wait...is it still considered a rebound after 9 months?

I wish I was right for him. But reality has set in and I know that's not the case. I also have to be true to myself and know that being friends with this man will cause more harm than good. We are parents. No more. No less.

But those eyes...

Revelation

I've realized that it's not only that I can't move on. Simply, I cannot see myself with anyone else. And the worst feeling in the world is knowing that it will never be. His heart lies with someone else and he stole mine.

He doesn't know that everytime I look him in the eye, he leaves me empty.

And it hurts even more that I can't tell him how I feel. We are past that. At least, he is.

Here I am feeling as if my heart is being ripped out of my chest.  I thought I was healed.  Apparently, I'm...

I think I'm dying. Not the physical dying.  Rather, the my-soul-has-left-me type of deterioration. And it is so easy to hide it. It's so easy to say "hello". But don't let me look him in the eyes. It feels like the sky is falling on top of me and I'm unable to call for help. 

Speechless. Dying. Soul-less. Lost.

What's worst about dying? There's no going back. What's done is done. There's no "I'm sorry" and "I love you" after that last breath.